New Videos Coming REALLY Soon!

As an ambassador for Perfect Beauty (brought to you by Daisy Jing aka daiserz89) I am required and proud to film a video about Perfect Beauty, what it is, what it means to me as well as bringing my own people aboard! Super excited about that. Also, I have a few product reviews coming to you! I'm still testing out the products in every aspect I can possibly imagine now, however, we all know that AFTER I upload the video, I'll think of something I left out.. #TheWayOfLife, lol. Nonetheless, stay tuned everyone! :)

My Skyscraper..

I build up my outside to protect my insides,
I build a fence up so high so that no one can even see over it to see what's going on; and that's the way I like it,
My guard is a skyscraper..
The problem is, this skyscraper wobbles too often..
When I begin to get feelings for, love and fall in love with someone, my skyscraper gets as weak as weak can be..it crumbles..
Similar to the way a mother protects her young, she's overprotective, she knows that her child is young, gullible, vulnerable and naive..and it's a cold cold world out there..that's the protection I have for my insides..
My skyscraper crumbles to these strangers I call myself loving..
 And there my insides are, exposed, out, in the open, and taken for a joke..
..crushed, ruined, and trampled over..
My insides are my feelings, they're my emotions..
Look down into that river over there again, that river in 'The Over-Thinking Mind', that mind..with all those thoughts, the billions of thoughts..? ..Those represent my emotions as well..
..yeah, I'm complex, but I'm not..
But, why does this crumbling skyscraper seem to be a pattern?
This isn't acceptable.. This can't be continuous..
I crumble when I shouldn't..
And the sad part about it is, it's slightly voluntary..
Smh, shame on me, and no one else but me..
Place blame where blame is due..
But, these things all happen for a reason..
You live and you learn..
And this I've learned..
I'm not excluding myself from activities, relations, or even relationships,
I'm just protecting my feelings, my heart..
But the one thing that I'm unclear of is: in which way should I do this..?
I can either be simply emotionless (cold) or try to find some type of balance..
I think finding a balance can be quite difficult for me, because that means that some strangers, some lurkers, some falsifiers can still slip through the cracks..leaving me in my current predicament..
But for me to be cold just simply wouldn't be fair..
Why should the next man have to suffer for something that the previous chose not to treasure??
Why should I snatch or refuse to even include my emotions into something that may deserve it?
Why should I deprive my next rose of an emotional connection, a great vibe & beauty because I've been torched in the past?
Whomever I come across doesn't deserve that..and that wouldn't be fair..
..it wouldn't be fair to them or what we could become.
Why not take the next seriously because the last one didn't take me seriously?
My hurt, my pain, my heartbreak shouldn't be a legacy..and I'll try my best to keep it from being one..
So, once again, I'm stuck.. (as always, lol) .. It never fails..
I suppose this is just another life lesson that I have to continue and journey on to find the answer to..
But wherever it is, I just hope I find it soon..

Alter My Vision..

Currently, I'm at a crossroads in my life..
I'm trying to figure out which path I should start making my way down..
..which path is best for me, which path is more efficient for me, which path has my best interest at heart..?
There's only one thing that can make being at a crossroads more difficult than what it already is..being alone..
..and that I am..
Despite how unofficial things are, I shouldn't have to feel this way..
I shouldn't have to cry myself to sleep every night,
I shouldn't have to feel deprived..
..for all that, I might as well be lonely in every way..
I look to my left, I see defeat,
I look ahead of me, I see failure,
I look to my right, I see myself quitting..
I need someone to Alter My Vision..
I need someone to come along and make me see this crossroads differently,
As they come up from behind me and hold me in their arms..my vision will be altered..
As I look to my left, I'll see myself conquer,
As I look ahead of me, I'll see success..in excess,
As I look to my right, I'll see myself continue to prosper..
But until you come along, or make yourself known, I'll do what I have to do on my own.
I don't need anyone if I'm going to feel lonely, unloved and deprived like this..and that's fine.
I'll patiently wait for you to come along, because I don't want to settle for anyone who just isn't you.
I'm waiting for you, whoever you are, wherever you may be..
..but whoever you are, please don't leave me waiting forever..not that I'll go anywhere, I just want you now..

My Weird Gets in the Way..

Often times I feel as though my weird gets in the way..
What's my weird? ..Ask me, and I guarantee you I won't be able to tell you..
If I don't intrigue you, I'd much rather for you to not be a part of my life..
Because you must truly be intrigued by me, my actions, my ways, my thoughts, the way in which my mind works, my beauty-internal as well as external, my chemistry, my past, my present, my future, my drive, my goals, my aspirations, and Kandis as a complete bundle in order to even try to compile an idea of just how weird I am..
I cannot verbally convey to you or anyone else just how weird I am, so, if you aren't intrigued by me in any sort of way, you'll have no drive to figure me out for yourself.
At this point, you've taken a responsibility to be a part of my life, and part of that responsibility is to figure me out for yourself. If that's something that you feel as though you aren't willing to do or you aren't able do, the door is always open..
I would say 'sorry', but at this point in life, I've come to grips with the fact that apologies for things that you have no control over, nor did you cause, are pointless, useless, and a waste of time..
Figure me out.. That's what I want..
..because once you do, for yourself, the knowledge that you've acquired via time, energy & thoughts with me will speak so much louder than what I could ever tell you.
..and then you'll know just how weird I really am..
And honestly, I'd love for you to figure me out, and figure out how and why I tick the way I do.. That way when those times come when I don't even understand myself, you'll be able to tell me a lil somethin' about myself.. Teach me a thing or two.. ;)
I'm not easy to 'get' or 'understand'.. But I promise you, I damn sure don't try hard to be.. As hard as it may be to believe..
Soo, get to know my weird.. But most importantly, get used to it, because it's not going anywhere..
I would say 'Good luck!'..but instead, I'll say:
Be blessed with this!!!

Make Me Diurnal..

My Mindset's Point of View..

That day..April 15th, 2011 to be precise, The Sun couldn't've shined any brighter.. Into my life came the brightest, sweetest, most gentle, genuine ball of happiness all wrapped into one living being.. What did I do to deserve such greatness? This, was the best day of my life.. or it could be April 9th, 2011, when I decided to contact The Sun for the first time via text? *shrugs* Either way, I see a new chapter in my life beginning. I know life is no fairy tale, but I'll try my darndest to keep The Sun up.. Make me diurnal.. These are my first couple of days w/ The Sun..and from what I've seen and encountered, make me diurnal.. I've encountered my first eclipse w/ The Sun, and oh how bright it was. I glow in the light of The Sun as it shines down on me. I boasted for joy as it shone it's gleaming lights inside of me, through me, as The Sun boasted w/ me.. While encountering an eclipse may be joyous, it's an emotional connection that I share w/ The Sun, despite whether it may be mutual or not. But it isn't the fact that I'm simply in an eclipse that makes it joyous, emotional and worthwhile, it's the fact that I'm in this eclipse with none other than The Sun.. And from now on, I'd have it no other way.. This is precisely how I feel, and whether these feelings be mutual or not, they will be here, and they will not diminish.. Instead, I'm more than positive they will flourish.. I told The Sun yesterday, this is not any type of temporary feeling. Why would I want any type of temporary feeling? In any and EVERYthing that I do, I seek stability.. Though it's early and The Sun just came up, I'm confident in my feelings and what they're telling me. I'm content w/ the fact that I feel this way. I'm not too sure how to express all of these feelings to The Sun..it seems like it may be a bit much to be so early, and I certainly don't want to run The Sun away.. But this is how I feel.. So what do I do? Do I conceal how I feel..? ..Or risk having The Sun go down? Smh, idk. I'm stuck, I'm lost, I'm confused..but with whatever happens, please, just Make Me Diurnal.. ≈≠

An Image of the Over-Thinking Mind..

The mind that thinks too much is precisely that - and nothing less..
The mind that thinks too much, that over analyzes, that won't let a thought go suffers..
This mind works off of time and time only..no thought is too small, no thought is too huge..overbearing? ..maybe
To think what this life would be like if only it could think, function, and do things as other, simpler minds did..
To think how peaceful, and less stressful life would be if the the mind that thought too much knew how to not think..
Such a thought seems so simple to the ordinary, regular mind..
..but this is a verb that cannot even be put into action by such a powerful, over-thinking machine..
How easy would life be if it could simply let one thought go..let alone millions and millions and millions..
Think you can imagine what the mind over an over-thinker looks like? ..Here's some imagery for you:
In the park, ..take a walk over here..closer, closer, over here, at the edge..look down..
..down here..you'll see the mind of the over-thinker..
..This dense river..populated with over a trillion fish swimming as fast as the speed of light..
..these fish..are thoughts..
Imagine the confusion, or the disarray that takes place inside of that mind on such a consistent basis?
..this is something you'll never be able to understand..unless this is you..
Build castles in the air about how difficult it might be to grab one of these thoughts, look at it in the eye, and explain it to whose asking the question that irritates all over-thinking minds.. "What's running through your mind?"
It'd be like stabbing a fish in a river full of goal oriented fish simply trying to get to the 'end' of the river, looking it in the eyes, and taking a bite out of it..right then and there.

So, please, bare with this mind, keep it, hold it, cuddle with it, embrace it..that's all it wants, and that'll make it feel a lot better..understand that this is not your 'typical' mind..
This mind can't always explain what you want it to when you want it to..but when it can, it will.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How else would I be able to explain it all?
Sometimes it seems more like a handicap than anything..but I deal with it..
And I'm embracing it all.. ≈≠

Substance

Lately, I’m not sure what this substance is that’s been running through my body..

Typically, I’m the type of person to make logical decisions and follow my mind, I am strong minded..

But lately, ..lately, my mind has freely let another component of my body make the decisions; with ease..

Why? What is it? What is this?

..This is us..

This is not love running through my body, in my veins..

This intangible substance running through me, at all times has an aura of warmth, togetherness, a combination of you, me, ..and eternity..

A mind is a powerful thing to waste, and by all means, my mind knows that..

If at any point in time my mind feels threatened that someone or something is taking over, it’ll eliminate it..with the quickness.

But this, this right here, this thing that seemingly can’t be controlled, my mind loves it..

It’s like my mind has made a partner with whom she can be with in harmony; not competition.

The definition of what this is precisely running through me, is actually a process.

It is the process of being in love..

This verb that freely flows within me is far from love.

To love someone is to have a profound, tender affection towards someone..

But to be in love with someone, like I am, like we are, is more like being surrounded, submerged, within all of the feelings we have for eachother. Eachother as one word, not two.

So, lately I’ve been loving this process..

----

I caught myself blatantly staring at you and my stomach got painful butterflies..

My stomach turned up in knots at the thought that I had such a plethora of feelings for someone so quickly and that I let myself do so..

..But it feels so good to defy my instincts & let my soul sink to float in bliss..

And so my heart drops every times I see you, think I see you, think I see your shadow..