Saturday, May 21, 2011

My Skyscraper..

I build up my outside to protect my insides,
I build a fence up so high so that no one can even see over it to see what's going on; and that's the way I like it,
My guard is a skyscraper..
The problem is, this skyscraper wobbles too often..
When I begin to get feelings for, love and fall in love with someone, my skyscraper gets as weak as weak can crumbles..
Similar to the way a mother protects her young, she's overprotective, she knows that her child is young, gullible, vulnerable and naive..and it's a cold cold world out there..that's the protection I have for my insides..
My skyscraper crumbles to these strangers I call myself loving..
 And there my insides are, exposed, out, in the open, and taken for a joke..
..crushed, ruined, and trampled over..
My insides are my feelings, they're my emotions..
Look down into that river over there again, that river in 'The Over-Thinking Mind', that mind..with all those thoughts, the billions of thoughts..? ..Those represent my emotions as well..
..yeah, I'm complex, but I'm not..
But, why does this crumbling skyscraper seem to be a pattern?
This isn't acceptable.. This can't be continuous..
I crumble when I shouldn't..
And the sad part about it is, it's slightly voluntary..
Smh, shame on me, and no one else but me..
Place blame where blame is due..
But, these things all happen for a reason..
You live and you learn..
And this I've learned..
I'm not excluding myself from activities, relations, or even relationships,
I'm just protecting my feelings, my heart..
But the one thing that I'm unclear of is: in which way should I do this..?
I can either be simply emotionless (cold) or try to find some type of balance..
I think finding a balance can be quite difficult for me, because that means that some strangers, some lurkers, some falsifiers can still slip through the cracks..leaving me in my current predicament..
But for me to be cold just simply wouldn't be fair..
Why should the next man have to suffer for something that the previous chose not to treasure??
Why should I snatch or refuse to even include my emotions into something that may deserve it?
Why should I deprive my next rose of an emotional connection, a great vibe & beauty because I've been torched in the past?
Whomever I come across doesn't deserve that..and that wouldn't be fair.. wouldn't be fair to them or what we could become.
Why not take the next seriously because the last one didn't take me seriously?
My hurt, my pain, my heartbreak shouldn't be a legacy..and I'll try my best to keep it from being one..
So, once again, I'm stuck.. (as always, lol) .. It never fails..
I suppose this is just another life lesson that I have to continue and journey on to find the answer to..
But wherever it is, I just hope I find it soon..

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Alter My Vision..

Currently, I'm at a crossroads in my life..
I'm trying to figure out which path I should start making my way down..
..which path is best for me, which path is more efficient for me, which path has my best interest at heart..?
There's only one thing that can make being at a crossroads more difficult than what it already is..being alone..
..and that I am..
Despite how unofficial things are, I shouldn't have to feel this way..
I shouldn't have to cry myself to sleep every night,
I shouldn't have to feel deprived..
..for all that, I might as well be lonely in every way..
I look to my left, I see defeat,
I look ahead of me, I see failure,
I look to my right, I see myself quitting..
I need someone to Alter My Vision..
I need someone to come along and make me see this crossroads differently,
As they come up from behind me and hold me in their vision will be altered..
As I look to my left, I'll see myself conquer,
As I look ahead of me, I'll see excess,
As I look to my right, I'll see myself continue to prosper..
But until you come along, or make yourself known, I'll do what I have to do on my own.
I don't need anyone if I'm going to feel lonely, unloved and deprived like this..and that's fine.
I'll patiently wait for you to come along, because I don't want to settle for anyone who just isn't you.
I'm waiting for you, whoever you are, wherever you may be..
..but whoever you are, please don't leave me waiting forever..not that I'll go anywhere, I just want you now..

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

My Weird Gets in the Way..

Often times I feel as though my weird gets in the way..
What's my weird? ..Ask me, and I guarantee you I won't be able to tell you..
If I don't intrigue you, I'd much rather for you to not be a part of my life..
Because you must truly be intrigued by me, my actions, my ways, my thoughts, the way in which my mind works, my beauty-internal as well as external, my chemistry, my past, my present, my future, my drive, my goals, my aspirations, and Kandis as a complete bundle in order to even try to compile an idea of just how weird I am..
I cannot verbally convey to you or anyone else just how weird I am, so, if you aren't intrigued by me in any sort of way, you'll have no drive to figure me out for yourself.
At this point, you've taken a responsibility to be a part of my life, and part of that responsibility is to figure me out for yourself. If that's something that you feel as though you aren't willing to do or you aren't able do, the door is always open..
I would say 'sorry', but at this point in life, I've come to grips with the fact that apologies for things that you have no control over, nor did you cause, are pointless, useless, and a waste of time..
Figure me out.. That's what I want..
..because once you do, for yourself, the knowledge that you've acquired via time, energy & thoughts with me will speak so much louder than what I could ever tell you.
..and then you'll know just how weird I really am..
And honestly, I'd love for you to figure me out, and figure out how and why I tick the way I do.. That way when those times come when I don't even understand myself, you'll be able to tell me a lil somethin' about myself.. Teach me a thing or two.. ;)
I'm not easy to 'get' or 'understand'.. But I promise you, I damn sure don't try hard to be.. As hard as it may be to believe..
Soo, get to know my weird.. But most importantly, get used to it, because it's not going anywhere..
I would say 'Good luck!'..but instead, I'll say:
Be blessed with this!!!