Well, One Thing Is Clear.. Crystal..

This relationship was a house built with a foundation of lies.. This relationship lacked trust against my own knowledge.. It's fellas like YOU that make it hard for the next..and trust me..he WILL come.. You deceived me, you lied to me, you dishonored what I thought was our perfect little relationship. You ruined us mister. All the fights and the arguments didn't really kick in until then..and above all, you put your hands on me. I don't think that I'll ever be able to forgive you for that. This relationship has turned so chronic. In my own words, and not for the lack of another, you're a bumb. What am I supposed to do..it ALL?!?!?! Hmm, and all I'm worried about is money?? ..that's all you're NOT worried about.. I'm just sick.. Ronald was a lesson to me.. I will not let you drive me down in the dirt as he did..that would just be plain FOOLISH!! I can't let you follow the same habits as he did AND allow it.. I'm just sick of it.. Today is my future and tomorrow, it'll be my past. I just simply can't let you do this to me.. I cannot let MYSELF do this to ME! I have so much on my plate that I can't be worried about you and all of your problems because YOU can't think of them on your own.

It's Nice to Know that We Both Have a Plethora of Adjectives to Describe One Another..

It seems, or it's apparent and fact that every time I break up with you, I'm fucked up, I'm gonna miss out, it's gonna be too late because I'l' be with another girl and all this other bullshit. PLEASE! As if I've done this for no reason at all?! Smh. Why mold you into what I want? You can mold Play Doh into whatever you'd like, but after  a while, it gets old, hard, and it crumbles.. I can just go find someone who's already molded into what I want; what's ideal for me. Smh. I'm afraid you know not the real meaning of a man, a husband, a boyfriend, a gentleman who's interested in a young lady, a gentleman period. I don't wanna settle. I wanna be with someone who's hungry for life, who's hungry for making me happy, who has no problem with supporting me, who has a plan for the next 5 years of their life. I want someone who can potentially give me everything that I want. Not that I'd need it, but..whatever. And I'm fucked up.. Yeah, ok. I can't deal with another dead beat, broke ass nigga, who has not a thing going for himself. I want better for myself, just lik eI want better for whoever I'm with. But me wanting better for you won't bring it..honestly, you wanting better for yourself won't even bring it. Actions speak louder than words. And your actions are speaking loud and clear to me. I'd rather not be with you if this is how you and the rest of your life will be. Settling for less, satisfied with the bare minimum, always doing the bare minimum, etc. That's not me, so we don't match. #NoBueno.

Just..Where I'm at Now.. Mentally..

Excited, but I'm anxious about getting my own place, my own space. My Roomie hasn't done anything to me, but I'm sick of having one.. Sometimes I just wanna come home to an empty house.. Sometimes I just wanna roam around naked WITH my boyfriend.. Sometimes, I don't wanna be courteous and wait to wash my clothes because someone else is. I don't like sharing a kitchen anymore.. I'm stingy, I'm selfish.. I was an only child for 13 years.. What's mine is mines.. I want my own damn space.. I have my own space here.. But it's sort of split.. I wanna decorate..I want the whole place to scream out KANDIS! ..but until then, for 3 months.. I'll wait. It's not my Roomie tho.. It's simply me.. I don't like rules, I don't like sharing too much, though I do like sharing at times.. It's fun, and personal.. Especially with someone that you have so much in common with.. But I just hate the thought of possibly disturbing someone when I'm doing what I please.. Or having over company.. Or having over someone that I no longer want to be company, I want to live with them. I get so sick of it sometimes, I think about moving out early. But, I know that right now, I need to be getting my mind and my money right.. #Seriously.. I just, sometimes I think am I ready to even move out with him. I think we're too attached. I think that I won't be able to handle when we break up. I think I'll fall apart like I always do. As much as I'd like not to, I have to face reality in knowing that that's just the pattern of my history.. *sigh* Either way, this must be done.. I need my own space, and I no longer want to live knowing or even thinking that I'm crowding or disturbing someone. It's about that time.. I'll be 21. Hmm, I'm growing up now. It's time for me to be beyond grown, it's time for me to be a responsible adult. Which I've been slacking on lately. I'm hungry for success.. But, my actions don't necessarily reflecting what I'm hungry for. I'm also hungry for a more 'crisp' appearance.. I think school will get me there.. Just think, I'll have to wax folks eyebrows.. #Gee, lol. Sheesh. Can you say nervous.. But guess what? ..the classroom needs me again.. As bright as I am, as bright as my future is, I don't need anyone.. Seriously, whoever does me wrong doesn't deserve me.. These niggas, and females are hungry for me out here, and why shouldn't I let them have me because I'm stuck to someone who's done me wrong??? #MakesNoSense.. Time for my life to make for sense than a cash register.. #SoSerious..

My Skyscraper..

I build up my outside to protect my insides,
I build a fence up so high so that no one can even see over it to see what's going on; and that's the way I like it,
My guard is a skyscraper..
The problem is, this skyscraper wobbles too often..
When I begin to get feelings for, love and fall in love with someone, my skyscraper gets as weak as weak can be..it crumbles..
Similar to the way a mother protects her young, she's overprotective, she knows that her child is young, gullible, vulnerable and naive..and it's a cold cold world out there..that's the protection I have for my insides..
My skyscraper crumbles to these strangers I call myself loving..
 And there my insides are, exposed, out, in the open, and taken for a joke..
..crushed, ruined, and trampled over..
My insides are my feelings, they're my emotions..
Look down into that river over there again, that river in 'The Over-Thinking Mind', that mind..with all those thoughts, the billions of thoughts..? ..Those represent my emotions as well..
..yeah, I'm complex, but I'm not..
But, why does this crumbling skyscraper seem to be a pattern?
This isn't acceptable.. This can't be continuous..
I crumble when I shouldn't..
And the sad part about it is, it's slightly voluntary..
Smh, shame on me, and no one else but me..
Place blame where blame is due..
But, these things all happen for a reason..
You live and you learn..
And this I've learned..
I'm not excluding myself from activities, relations, or even relationships,
I'm just protecting my feelings, my heart..
But the one thing that I'm unclear of is: in which way should I do this..?
I can either be simply emotionless (cold) or try to find some type of balance..
I think finding a balance can be quite difficult for me, because that means that some strangers, some lurkers, some falsifiers can still slip through the cracks..leaving me in my current predicament..
But for me to be cold just simply wouldn't be fair..
Why should the next man have to suffer for something that the previous chose not to treasure??
Why should I snatch or refuse to even include my emotions into something that may deserve it?
Why should I deprive my next rose of an emotional connection, a great vibe & beauty because I've been torched in the past?
Whomever I come across doesn't deserve that..and that wouldn't be fair..
..it wouldn't be fair to them or what we could become.
Why not take the next seriously because the last one didn't take me seriously?
My hurt, my pain, my heartbreak shouldn't be a legacy..and I'll try my best to keep it from being one..
So, once again, I'm stuck.. (as always, lol) .. It never fails..
I suppose this is just another life lesson that I have to continue and journey on to find the answer to..
But wherever it is, I just hope I find it soon..

Alter My Vision..

Currently, I'm at a crossroads in my life..
I'm trying to figure out which path I should start making my way down..
..which path is best for me, which path is more efficient for me, which path has my best interest at heart..?
There's only one thing that can make being at a crossroads more difficult than what it already is..being alone..
..and that I am..
Despite how unofficial things are, I shouldn't have to feel this way..
I shouldn't have to cry myself to sleep every night,
I shouldn't have to feel deprived..
..for all that, I might as well be lonely in every way..
I look to my left, I see defeat,
I look ahead of me, I see failure,
I look to my right, I see myself quitting..
I need someone to Alter My Vision..
I need someone to come along and make me see this crossroads differently,
As they come up from behind me and hold me in their arms..my vision will be altered..
As I look to my left, I'll see myself conquer,
As I look ahead of me, I'll see success..in excess,
As I look to my right, I'll see myself continue to prosper..
But until you come along, or make yourself known, I'll do what I have to do on my own.
I don't need anyone if I'm going to feel lonely, unloved and deprived like this..and that's fine.
I'll patiently wait for you to come along, because I don't want to settle for anyone who just isn't you.
I'm waiting for you, whoever you are, wherever you may be..
..but whoever you are, please don't leave me waiting forever..not that I'll go anywhere, I just want you now..

My Weird Gets in the Way..

Often times I feel as though my weird gets in the way..
What's my weird? ..Ask me, and I guarantee you I won't be able to tell you..
If I don't intrigue you, I'd much rather for you to not be a part of my life..
Because you must truly be intrigued by me, my actions, my ways, my thoughts, the way in which my mind works, my beauty-internal as well as external, my chemistry, my past, my present, my future, my drive, my goals, my aspirations, and Kandis as a complete bundle in order to even try to compile an idea of just how weird I am..
I cannot verbally convey to you or anyone else just how weird I am, so, if you aren't intrigued by me in any sort of way, you'll have no drive to figure me out for yourself.
At this point, you've taken a responsibility to be a part of my life, and part of that responsibility is to figure me out for yourself. If that's something that you feel as though you aren't willing to do or you aren't able do, the door is always open..
I would say 'sorry', but at this point in life, I've come to grips with the fact that apologies for things that you have no control over, nor did you cause, are pointless, useless, and a waste of time..
Figure me out.. That's what I want..
..because once you do, for yourself, the knowledge that you've acquired via time, energy & thoughts with me will speak so much louder than what I could ever tell you.
..and then you'll know just how weird I really am..
And honestly, I'd love for you to figure me out, and figure out how and why I tick the way I do.. That way when those times come when I don't even understand myself, you'll be able to tell me a lil somethin' about myself.. Teach me a thing or two.. ;)
I'm not easy to 'get' or 'understand'.. But I promise you, I damn sure don't try hard to be.. As hard as it may be to believe..
Soo, get to know my weird.. But most importantly, get used to it, because it's not going anywhere..
I would say 'Good luck!'..but instead, I'll say:
Be blessed with this!!!

Make Me Diurnal..

My Mindset's Point of View..

That day..April 15th, 2011 to be precise, The Sun couldn't've shined any brighter.. Into my life came the brightest, sweetest, most gentle, genuine ball of happiness all wrapped into one living being.. What did I do to deserve such greatness? This, was the best day of my life.. or it could be April 9th, 2011, when I decided to contact The Sun for the first time via text? *shrugs* Either way, I see a new chapter in my life beginning. I know life is no fairy tale, but I'll try my darndest to keep The Sun up.. Make me diurnal.. These are my first couple of days w/ The Sun..and from what I've seen and encountered, make me diurnal.. I've encountered my first eclipse w/ The Sun, and oh how bright it was. I glow in the light of The Sun as it shines down on me. I boasted for joy as it shone it's gleaming lights inside of me, through me, as The Sun boasted w/ me.. While encountering an eclipse may be joyous, it's an emotional connection that I share w/ The Sun, despite whether it may be mutual or not. But it isn't the fact that I'm simply in an eclipse that makes it joyous, emotional and worthwhile, it's the fact that I'm in this eclipse with none other than The Sun.. And from now on, I'd have it no other way.. This is precisely how I feel, and whether these feelings be mutual or not, they will be here, and they will not diminish.. Instead, I'm more than positive they will flourish.. I told The Sun yesterday, this is not any type of temporary feeling. Why would I want any type of temporary feeling? In any and EVERYthing that I do, I seek stability.. Though it's early and The Sun just came up, I'm confident in my feelings and what they're telling me. I'm content w/ the fact that I feel this way. I'm not too sure how to express all of these feelings to The Sun..it seems like it may be a bit much to be so early, and I certainly don't want to run The Sun away.. But this is how I feel.. So what do I do? Do I conceal how I feel..? ..Or risk having The Sun go down? Smh, idk. I'm stuck, I'm lost, I'm confused..but with whatever happens, please, just Make Me Diurnal.. ≈≠