I build up my outside to protect my insides,
I build a fence up so high so that no one can even see over it to see what's going on; and that's the way I like it,
My guard is a skyscraper..
The problem is, this skyscraper wobbles too often..
When I begin to get feelings for, love and fall in love with someone, my skyscraper gets as weak as weak can be..it crumbles..
Similar to the way a mother protects her young, she's overprotective, she knows that her child is young, gullible, vulnerable and naive..and it's a cold cold world out there..that's the protection I have for my insides..
My skyscraper crumbles to these strangers I call myself loving..
And there my insides are, exposed, out, in the open, and taken for a joke..
..crushed, ruined, and trampled over..
My insides are my feelings, they're my emotions..
Look down into that river over there again, that river in 'The Over-Thinking Mind', that mind..with all those thoughts, the billions of thoughts..? ..Those represent my emotions as well..
..yeah, I'm complex, but I'm not..
But, why does this crumbling skyscraper seem to be a pattern?
This isn't acceptable.. This can't be continuous..
I crumble when I shouldn't..
And the sad part about it is, it's slightly voluntary..
Smh, shame on me, and no one else but me..
Place blame where blame is due..
But, these things all happen for a reason..
You live and you learn..
And this I've learned..
I'm not excluding myself from activities, relations, or even relationships,
I'm just protecting my feelings, my heart..
But the one thing that I'm unclear of is: in which way should I do this..?
I can either be simply emotionless (cold) or try to find some type of balance..
I think finding a balance can be quite difficult for me, because that means that some strangers, some lurkers, some falsifiers can still slip through the cracks..leaving me in my current predicament..
But for me to be cold just simply wouldn't be fair..
Why should the next man have to suffer for something that the previous chose not to treasure??
Why should I snatch or refuse to even include my emotions into something that may deserve it?
Why should I deprive my next rose of an emotional connection, a great vibe & beauty because I've been torched in the past?
Whomever I come across doesn't deserve that..and that wouldn't be fair..
..it wouldn't be fair to them or what we could become.
Why not take the next seriously because the last one didn't take me seriously?
My hurt, my pain, my heartbreak shouldn't be a legacy..and I'll try my best to keep it from being one..
So, once again, I'm stuck.. (as always, lol) .. It never fails..
I suppose this is just another life lesson that I have to continue and journey on to find the answer to..
But wherever it is, I just hope I find it soon..